THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


THE  MOUSE-TRAP 


"'WHAT  is  IT?    WHAT  is  IT?" 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP 
ffarce 


BY 

W.  D.  HOWELLS 


ILLUSTRATED 


NEW  YORK  AND  LONDON 
HARPER   &   BROTHERS   PUBLISHERS 


1902 


Harper's  "  Black  and  White"  Series. 

Illustrated.    321110,  Cloth,  50  cents  each. 


THB  DECISION  OF  THB  COURT. 
A  Comedy.  By  Brander  Mat- 
thews. 

GBORGK  WILLIAM  CURTIS.  By 
John  White  Chadwick. 

THB  UNEXPECTED  GUESTS.  A 
Farce.  By  William  Dean 
Howells. 


LATEST  1 
FIVB    O'CLOCK    TEA.     Farce. 

By  W.  D.  Howella. 
THK  MOUSE-TRAP.    Farce.    By 

W.  D.  Howells. 
A  LIKELY  STORY.    Farce.    By 

W.  D.  Howells. 
THIS  PICTURE  AND  THAT.     A 

Comedy.     By  Brander  Mat- 
thews. 
TRAVELS  IN  AMERICA  100  YEARS 

AGO.    By  Thomas  Twining. 
MY  YEAR  IN  A  LOG  CABIN.    By 

William  Dean  Howells. 
EVENING  DRESS.    A  Farce.    By 

William  Dean  Howells. 
THE    WORK   OF   WASHINGTON 

IRVING.    By  Charles  Dudley 

Warner. 
EDWIN   BOOTH.      By  Laurence 

Hutton. 
PHILLIPS    BROOKS.      By    Rev. 

Arthur  Brooks,  D.D. 


PUBLISHED  BY  HARPER  &  BROTHERS,  NEW  YORK. 

For  sale  by  all  booksellers,  or  -will  be  sent  by  the  publishers, 
postage  prepaid,  on  receipt  of  price. 


IN   AFRICA.      By  Henry   M. 

Stanley. 
THK  RIYALS.  By  Francois 

Coppee. 
WHITTIBR  :  NOTBS  OF  HIS  LIFB 


THB    JAPAN-USE    BRIDE.      By 

Naomi  Tamura. 
GILES    COREY,   YEOMAN.     By 

Mary  E.  Wilkins. 
COFFEE    AND   REPARTEE.     By 

John  Kendrick  Bangs. 


Copyright,  1894,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

Copyright,  1885,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

Copyright,  1885,  by  W.  D.  HOWELLS. 

A U  rights  reserved. 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

'  WHAT  IS  IT  ?  WHAT  IS  IT  ?'  "   .     .     .     .      Frontispiece 
'  THERE  NEVER  WAS  ANY  MOUSE  HERB '  "  Facing  page  42 


627373 


THE   MOUSE-TRAP 
I 

MRS.  SOMERS;  MR.  CAMPBELL 

T  N  her  drawing-room,  Mrs.  Amy  Som- 
ers,  young,  pretty,  stylish,  in  the  last 
evanescent  traces  of  widowhood,  stands 
confronting  Mr.  Willis  Campbell.  She 
has  a  newspaper  in  her  hand,  folded  to  the 
width  of  a  single  column,  which  she  ex- 
tends towards  him  with  an  effect  of  in- 
dignant menace. 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Then  you  acknowledge 
that  it  is  yours  ?" 

Campbell :  "  I  acknowledge  that  I  made 
a  speech  before  the  legislative  committee 
on  behalf  of  the  anti  -  suffragists.  You 
knew  I  was  going  to  do  that.  I  don't 
know  how  they've  reported  it." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  severity :  "  Very  well, 


then;  I  will  read  it.  'Willis  Campbell, 
Esq.,  was  next  heard  on  behalf  of  the 
petitioners.  He  touched  briefly  upon  the 
fact  that  the  suffrage  was  evidently  not 
desired  by  the  vast  majority  of  educated 
women.' " 

Campbell :  "  You've  always  said  they 
didn't  want  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  That  is  not  the  point." 
Reading:  "'And  many  of  them  would 
feel  it  an  onerous  burden,  and  not  a  privi- 
lege.' " 

Campbell :  "  Well,  didn't  you—" 

Mrs.  Somers : "  Don't  interrupt !"  Read- 
ing :  " '  Which  would  compel  them,  at  the 
cost  of  serious  sacrifices,  to  contend  at 
the  polls  with  the  ignorant  classes  who 
would  be  sure  to  exercise  the  right  if 
conferred.' " 

Campbell :  "  That  was  your  own  argu- 
ment, Amy.  They're  almost  your  own 
words." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  That  isn't  what  I  object 
to."  Reading :  "  '  Mr.  Campbell  then  re- 
ferred in  a  more  humorous  strain  to  the 
argument,  frequently  used  by  the  suf- 
fragists, that  every  tax-payer  should  have 


the  right  to  vote.  He  said  that  he  ob- 
jected to  this,  because  it  implied  that  non- 
tax-payers should  not  have  the  right  to 
vote,  which  would  deprive  of  the  suffrage 
a  large  body  of  adoptive  citizens,  who  voted 
at  all  the  elections  with  great  prompt- 
ness and  assiduity.  He  thought  the  ex- 
emption of  women  from  some  duties  re- 
quired of  men  by  the  State  fairly  offset 
the  loss  of  the  ballot  in  their  case,  and 
that  until  we  were  prepared  to  send  ladies 
to  battle  we  ought  not  to  oblige  them  to 
go  to  the  polls.  Some  skirmishing  ensued 
between  Mr.  Campbell  and  Mr.  Willing- 
ton,  on  the  part  of  the  suffragists,  the 
latter  gentleman  affirming  that  in  great 
crises  of  the  world's  history  women  had 
shown  as  much  courage  as  men,  and  the 
former  contending  that  this  did  not  at 
all  affect  his  position,  since  the  courage 
of  women  was  in  high  degree  a  moral 
courage,  which  was  not  evoked  by  the 
ordinary  conditions  of  peace  or  war,  but 
required  the  imminence  of  some  extraor- 
dinary, some  vital  emergency.' " 

Campbell :  "  Well,  what  do  you  object 
to  in  all  that  ?" 


Mrs.  Somers,  tossing  the  paper  on  the 
table,  and  confronting  him  with  her  head 
lifted  and  her  hands  clasped  upon  her 
left  side :  "  Everything !  It  is  an  insult  to 
women." 

Campbell :  "  Woman,  you  mean.  I  don't 
think  'women  would  mind  it.  Who's  been 
talking  to  you,  Amy?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nobody.  It  doesn't 
matter  who's  been  talking  to  me.  That 
is  not  the  question." 

Campbell :  "  It's  the  question  I  asked." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It  isn't  the  question  / 
asked.  I  wish  simply  to  know  what  you 
mean  by  that  speech." 

Campbell :  "  I  wish  you  knew  how  pret- 
ty you  look  in  that  dress."  Mrs.  Somers 
involuntarily  glances  down  at  the  skirt  of 
it  on  either  side,  and  rearranges  it  a  little, 
folding  her  hands  again  as  before.  "  But 
perhaps  you  do." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  dignity :  "  Will  you 
answer  my  question  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Certainly.  I  meant  what 
I  said." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  you  did  !  Very 
well,  then !  When  a  woman  stands  by 


the  bedside  of  her  sick  child,  and  risks 
her  life  from  contagion,  what  kind  of 
courage  do  you  call  that  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Moral." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  And  when  she  remains 
in  a  burning  building  or  a  sinking  ship — 
as  they  often  do — and  perishes,  while  her 
child  is  saved,  what  kind  of  courage  is  it?" 

Campbell :  "  Moral." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  When  she  seizes  an  axe 
and  defends  her  little  ones  against  a  bear 
or  a  wolf  that's  just  bursting  in  the  cabin 
door,  what  kind  of  courage  does  she 
show?" 

Campbell :  "  Moral." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Or  when  her  babe  crawls 
up  the  track,  and  she  snatches  it  from  the 
very  jaws  of  the  cow-catcher — " 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  hold  on,  now,  Amy ! 
Be  fair !  It's  the  engineer  who  does  that : 
he  runs  along  the  side  of  the  locomotive, 
and  catches  the  smiling  infant  up,  and 
lays  it  in  the  mother's  arms  as  tue  train 
thunders  by.  His  name  is  usually  Hank 
Rollins.  The  mother  is  always  paralyzed 
with  terror." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Of  course  she  is.     But 


in  those  other  cases  how  does  her  courage 
differ  from  a  man's?  If  hers  is  always 
moral,  what  kind  of  courage  does  a  man 
show  when  he  faces  the  cannon  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Immoral.  Come,  Amy, 
are  you  trying  to  prove  that  women  are 
braver  than  men  ?  Well,  they  are.  I 
never  was  in  any  danger  yet  that  I  didn't 
wish  I  was  a  woman,  for  then  I  should 
have  the  courage  to  face  it,  or  else  I  could 
turn  and  run  without  disgrace.  All  that 
I  said  in  that  speech  was  that  women 
haven't  so  much  nerve  as  men." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  They  have  more." 

Campbell :  "  Nerves — yes." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No,  nerve.  Take  Dr. 
Cissy  Gay,  that  little,  slender,  delicate, 
sensitive  thing  :  what  do  you  suppose 
she  went  through  when  she  was  studying 
medicine,  and  walking  the  hospitals,  and 
all  those  disgusting  things  ?  And  Mrs.  J . 
Plunkett  Harmon:  do  you  mean  to  say 
that  she  has  no  nerve,  facing  all  sorts  of 
audiences,  on  the  platform,  everywhere  ? 
Or  Rev.  Lily  Barber,  living  down  all  that 
ridicule,  and  going  quietly  on  in  her 
work—" 


Campbell :  "  Oh,  they've  been  talking 
to  you." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  They  have  not !  And  if 
they  have,  Dr.  Gay  is  as  much  opposed 
to  suffrage  as  you  are." 

Campbell :  "  As  /  f  Aren't  you  opposed 
to  it  too?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Of  course  I  am.  Or  I 
was  till  you  made  that  speech." 

Campbell :  "  It  wasn't  exactly  intended 
to  convert  you." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "It  has  placed  me  in  a 
false  position.  Everybody  knows,  or  the 
same  as  knows,  that  we're  engaged — " 

Campbell :  "  Well,  I'm  not  ashamed  oi 
it,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers,  severely :  "  No  matter  ! 
And  now  it  will  look  as  if  I  had  no  ideas 
of  my  own,  and  was  just  swayed  about 
any  way  by  you.  A  woman  is  despicable 
that  joins  with  men  in  ridiculing  women." 

Campbell :  "  Who's  been  saying  that  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No  one.  It  doesn't 
matter  who's  been  saying  it.  Mrs.  Mer- 
vane  has  been  saying  it." 

Campbell :  "  Mrs.  Mervane  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes,  Mrs,  Mervane,  that 


you're  always  praising  and  admiring  so 
for  her  good  sense  and  her  right  ideas. 
Didn't  you  say  she  wrote  as  logically  and 
forcibly  as  a  man  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  I  did." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Very  well,  then,  she 
says  that  if  anything  could  turn  her  in 
favor  of  suffrage,  it  is  that  speech  of 
yours.  She  says  it's  a  subtle  attack  upon 
the  whole  sex." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  I  give  it  up !  You  are 
all  alike.  You  take  everything  person- 
ally, in  the  first  place,  and  then  you  say 
it's  an  attack  on  all  women.  Couldn't  I 
make  this  right  by  publishing  a  card  to 
acknowledge  your  physical  courage  be- 
fore the  whole  community,  Amy  ?  Then 
your  friends  would  have  to  say  that  I  had 
recognized  the  pluck  of  universal  woman- 
hood." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No,  sir ;  you  can't  make 
it  right  now.  And  I'm  sorry,  sorry,  sorry  I 
signed  the  anti-suffrage  petition.  Nothing 
will  ever  teach  men  to  appreciate  women 
till  women  practically  assert  themselves." 

Campbell :  "  That  sounds  very  much 
like  another  quotation,  Amy." 


Mrs.  Somers  :  "  And  they  must  expect 
to  be  treated  as  cowards  till  they  show 
themselves  heroes.  And  they  must  first 
of  all  have  the  ballot." 

Campbell :  "  Oh !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes.  Then,  and  not  till 
then,  men  will  acknowledge  their  equali- 
ty in  all  that  is  admirable  in  both.  Then 
there  will  be  no  more  puling  insolence 
about  moral  courage  and  vital  emergen- 
cies to  evoke  it." 

Campbell :  "  I  don't  see  the  steps  to 
this  conclusion,  but  the  master-mind  of 
Mrs.  J.  Plunkett  Harmon  reaches  con- 
clusions at  a  bound." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It  wasn't  Mrs.  Har- 
mon." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  well,  Rev.  Lily  Barber, 
then.  You  needn't  tell  me  you  originated 
that  stuff,  Amy.  But  I  submit  for  the 
present.  Think  it  over,  my  dear,  and 
when  I  come  back  to-morrow — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Perhaps  you  had  better 
not  come  back  to-morrow." 

Campbell:  "Why?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Because — because  I'm 
afraid  we  are  not  in  sympathy.  Because 


if  you  thought  that  I  needed  some  vital 
emergency  to  make  me  show  that  I  was 
ready  to  die  for  you  any  moment — " 

Campbell :  "  Die  for  me  ?  I  want  you 
to  live  for  me,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  — and  the  emergency 
never  came,  you  would  despise  me." 

Campbell :  "  Never !" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "If  you  have  such  a  low 
opinion  of  women  generally — " 

Campbell :  "  /  a  low  opinion  of  wom- 
en!" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  said  they  were 
cowards." 

Campbell :  "  I  didn't  say  they  were  cow- 
ards. And  if  I  seemed  to  say  so,  it  was 
my  misfortune.  I  honestly  and  truly 
think,  Amy,  that  when  a  women  is  roused, 
she  isn't  afraid  of  anything  in  heaven  or 
on — "  He  stops  abruptly,  and  looks  tow- 
ards the  corner  of  the  room. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "What  is  it  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  nothing.  I  thought  I 
saw  a  mouse." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  A  mouse  !"  She  flings 
herself  upon  him,  and  clutches  him  with 
convulsive  energy.  Then  suddenly  free- 


ing  him,  she  leaps  upon  a  chair,  and 
stoops  over  to  hold  her  train  from  the 
floor.  "  Oh,  drive  it  out,  drive  it  out ! 
Don't  kill  it.  Oh— e-e-e-e !  Drive  it  out ! 
Oh,  what  shall  I  do  ?  Oh,  Willis,  love, 
jump  on  a  chair !  Oh,  horrid  little  dread- 
ful reptile  !  Oh,  drive  it  out !"  In  utter- 
ing these  appeals  Mrs.  Somers  alternately 
looses  her  hold  upon  her  train  in  order 
to  clasp  her  face  in  her  hands,  and  then 
uncovers  her  face  to  seize  her  train.  "  Oh, 
is  it  gone  ?  Come  here,  Willis,  and  let 
me  hold  your  hand  !  Or  no  !  Drive  it, 
drive  it,  drive  it  out !" 

Campbell,  going  about  the  room  in  de- 
liberate examination  :  "  /  can't  find  it.  I 
guess  it's  gone  into  its  hole  again." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No,  it  hasn't !  It  hasn't 
got  any  hole  here.  It  must  have  come  in 
from  somewhere  else.  Oh,  I  hope  I  shall 
have  a  little  wisdom  some  time,  and  never, 
never,  never  have  cake  and  wine  brought 
into  the  drawing-room  again,  no  matter 
how  faint  with  walking  any  one  is.  Of 
course  it  was  the  smell  of  the  fruit  and 
crumbs  attracted  it ;  and  they  might  just 
as  well  take  the  horse-cars,  but  they  said 


they  had  walked  all  the  way  to  get  me 
to  sign  the  suffrage  petition,  and  when  I 
said  I'd  signed  the  anti-suffrage,  of  course 
I  had  to  offer  them  something ;  I  couldn't 
do  less.  Have  you  driven  it  out?" 

Campbell :  "  I've  done  my  best.  But  I 
can't  find  it,  and  I  can't  drive  it  out  till  I 
do  find  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It's  run  into  the  fire- 
place. Rattle  the  tongs !"  Campbell 
goes  to  the  fire-place  and  rattles  the  tongs 
against  the  shovel,  Mrs.  Somers  mean- 
while covering  her  face.  "Ow  —  ugh  — 
e-e-e-e  !  Is  it  gone  ?"  She  uncovers  her 
eyes. 

Campbell :  "  It  never  was  there." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes,  it  was,  Willis. 
Don't  tell  me  it  wasn't !  Where  else  was 
it  if  it  wasn't  there?  Look  under  that 
book-table !" 

Campbell :  "  Which  one  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  That  one  with  the  shelf 
coming  down  almost  to  the  carpet.  Poke 
under  it  with  the  poker!"  As  Camp- 
bell obeys,  she  again  hides  her  face. 
"  U-u-u-gh  !  Is  it  gone  now  ?" 

Campbell :  "  It  wasn't  there." 


Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Poke  hard  !  Bang 
against  the  mop-board  !  Bang !" 

Campbell,  poking  and  banging : "  There ! 
I  tell  you  it  never  was  there." 

Mrs.  Somers,  uncovering  her  face : 
"  Oh,  what  shall  I  do  ?  It  must  be  some- 
where in  the  room,  and  I  never  can 
breathe  till  you've  found  it.  Bang  again !" 

Campbell :  "  Nonsense  !  It's  gone  long 
ago.  Do  you  suppose  a  mouse  of  any 
presence  of  mind  or  self-respect  would 
stay  here  after  all  this  uproar  ?"  He  re- 
stores the  tongs  to  their  stand  with  a 
clash. 

Mrs.  Somers,  responsive  to  the  clash : 
"  Ow !" 

Campbell,  advancing  towards  her  and 
extending  his  hand  :  "  Come,  Amy;  get 
down  now.  I  must  be  going." 

Mrs.  Somers,  in  horror :  "  Get  down  ? 
Going  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Certainly.  I  can't  stay 
here  all  day.  I've  got  to  follow  that 
mouse  out  into  the  street  and  have  him 
arrested.  It's  a  public  duty." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Don't  throw  ridicule  on 
it !"  After  a  moment :  "  You  know  I 


can't  let  you  go  till  I've  seen  that  mouse 
leave  this  room.  Go  all  round,  and  stamp 
in  the  corners."  She  covers  her  face 
again.  "  Ugh  !" 

Campbell :  "  How  are  you  going  to  see 
him  leave  the  room  if  you  won't  look  ? 
He's  left  long  ago.  /  wouldn't  stay  if  I 
was  a  mouse.  And  I've  got  to  go,  any- 
way." 

Mrs.    Somers,    uncovering    her    face : 

"  No !     I  beg,  I  command  you  to  stay,  or 

I  shall  never  get  out  of  this  room  alive. 

'"  You  know  I  sha'n't."    A  ring  at  the  street 

*"door  is  heard.     "  Oh,  dear,  what  shall  I 

do  ?     I've  told  Jane  I  would  see  anybody 

tftat  called,  and  now  I  daren't  step  my 

foot  to  the  floor !    What  shall  I  do  ?" 

Campbell,  with  authority  :  "  You  must 
get  down.  There's  no  mouse  here,  I  tell 
you ;  and  if  people  come  and  find  you 
standing  on  a  chair  in  your  drawing- 
room,  what  will  they  think  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  can  kneel  on  it." 
She  drops  to  her  knees  on  the  chair. 
'•  There !" 

Campbell  :  "  That's  no  better.  It's 
worse," 


Mrs.  Somers,  listening  to  the  party  at 
the  door  below,  which  the  maid  has 
opened  :  "  'Sh  !  I  want  to  make  out  who 
it  is.  'Sh  !  Yes— it  is  !"  After  listening: 
"Yes;  it's  Mrs.  Miller  and  Lou  Bemis 
and  Mrs.  Curwen  !  I  don't  see  how  they 
happen  to  come  together,  for  Mrs.  Mil- 
ler and  Mrs.  Curwen  perfectly  hate  each 
other.  Oh  yes !  I  know !  They're  all 
on  the  way  to  Mrs.  Ransom's  reception  ; 
he's  showing  his  pictures  and  some  of  her 
things  —  horrid  daubs;  I  don't  see  how 
she  can  have  the  face— and  they've  met 
here  by  accident.  'Sh !  She's  showing 
them  into  the  reception-room.  Yes,  that's 
quite  right."  Mrs.  Somers  delivers  these 
sentences  in  a  piercing  whisper  of  ex- 
treme volubility.  "  Now,  as  soon  as  she 
brings  up  their  cards,  I'll  say  I'm  not  at 
all  well — that  I'm  engaged  — just  going 
out.  No,  that  won't  do.  I  must  be  sick. 
Anything  else  would  be  perfectly  insult- 
ing after  saying  that  I  was  at  home  ;  and 
Jane  has  got  to  go  back  and  tell  them 
she  forgot  that  I  had  gone  to  bed  with  a 
severe  headache."  As  Jane  appears  at 
the  drawing-room  door,  and  falters  at 


sight  of  Mrs.  Somers  kneeling  on  her 
chair,  that  lady  beckons  her  to  her,  frown- 
ing, shaking  her  head,  and  pressing  her 
finger  on  her  lip  to  enforce  silence,  and 
takes  the  cards  from  her,  while  she  con- 
tinues in  whisper :  "  Yes.  All  right,  Jane  ! 
Go  straight  back  and  tell  them  you  for- 
got I  had  gone  to  bed  with  a  perfectly 
blinding  headache  ;  and  don't  let  another 
soul  into  the  house.  Mr.  Campbell  saw 
a  mouse,  and  I  can't  get  down  till  he's 
caught  it.  Go  !" 


II 

JANE;  MRS.  SOMERS;  MR.  CAMPBELL; 
then  MRS.  MILLER;  MRS.  CURWEN  ;  MRS. 
BEMIS 

Jane,  after  a  moment  of  petrifaction : 
"  A  mouse !  In  the  room,  here  ?  Oh,  my 
goodness  gracious  me !"  She  leaps  upon 
the  chair  next  to  Mrs.  Somers,  who  again 
springs  to  her  feet. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Did  you  see  it  ?  Oh, 
e-e-e-e !" 

Jane :  "  W-o-o-o-o !      I    don't    know  ! 


Where  was  it?  Oh  yes,  I  thought — " 
They  clutch  each  other  convulsively,  and 
blend  their  cries,  at  the  sound  of  which 
the  ladies  in  the  reception-room  below 
come  flocking  up-stairs  into  the  draw- 
ing-room. 

The  Ladies,  at  sight  of  Mrs.  Somers 
and  her  servant :  "  What  is  it  ?  what  is 
it?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  there's  a  mouse  in 
the  room  !  Oh,  jump  on  chairs  !" 

Mrs.  Miller,  vaulting  into  the  middle 
of  the  sofa :  "  A  mouse  !" 

Mrs.  Lou  Bemis,  alighting  upon  a  slight 
reception-chair :  "  Oh,  not  in  this  room, 
Mrs.  Somers  !  Don't  say  it !" 

Mrs.  Curwen,  with  a  laugh  of  mingled 
terror  and  enjoyment,  from  the  top  of  the 
table  where  she  finds  herself :  "  Where  is 
it  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  I  don't  know.  I  didn't 
see  it.  But,  oh !  it's  here  somewhere. 
Mr.  Campbell  saw  it,  and  Jane  did  when 
she  came  up  with  your  cards,  and  he's 
been  trying  to  drive  it  out,  but  he  can't 
even  budge  it ;  and — " 

Campbell,  desperately :  "  Ladies,  there 


isn't  any  mouse  here  !  I've  been  racket- 
ing round  here  with  the  shovel  and  tongs 
all  over  the  room,  and  the  mouse  is  gone. 
You  can  depend  upon  that.  You're  as 
safe  here  as  you  would  be  in  your  own 
rooms." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  How  can  you  say  such 
a  thing?  No,  I  won't  be  responsible  if 
anything  happens.  The  mouse  is  in  this 
room.  No  one  has  seen  it  go  out,  and 
it's  here  still." 

Mrs.  Bern  is,  balancing  herself  with  dif- 
ficulty on  her  chair:  "  Oh  dear!  how  tip- 
py it  is  !  I'm  sure  it's  going  to  break." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Get  up  here  with  me, 
Mrs.  Bemis.  We  can  protect  each  other." 

Mrs.  Miller  :  "  You  would  both  fall  off. 
Better  come  here  on  the  sofa,  Mrs.  Bemis." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  The  mouse  could  run 
up  that  ottoman  sofa  as  easily  as  the 
ground." 

Mrs.  Miller,  covering  her  face:  "Oh, 
how  can  you  say  such  a  thing  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Oh,  I  know  I'm  going 
to  fall !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Willis,  for  shame !  Help 
her!" 


Campbell:  "But  how — how  can  I  help — " 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Get  her  another  chair." 

Campbell :  "  Oh  !"  He  pushes  a  large 
arm-chair  towards  Mrs.  Bemis,  who  leaps 
into  it  with  a  wild  cry,  spurning  the  re- 
ception-chair half  across  the  room  in  her 
flight. 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Oh,  thank  you,  thank 
you,  Mr.  Campbell !  Oh,  I  shall  always 
bless  you !" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Yes,  you  have  saved  all 
our  lives.  Where  there's  a  man,  I  don't 
care  for  a  thousand  mice." 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Oh,  how  very  frank !" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Yes,  I'm  nothing  if  not 
open-minded." 

Campbell,  surveying  her  with  amuse- 
ment and  interest:  "I  don't  believe  you 're 
very  much  scared." 

Mrs.  Bemis  :  "  Oh  yes,  she  is,  Mr.  Camp- 
bell. She  keeps  up  that  way,  and  then 
the  first  thing  she  faints." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Not  on  centre -tables, 
my  dear ;  there  isn't  room." 

Campbell,  with  increasing  fascination : 
"  Why  don't  you  get  down,  and  set  the 
rest  an  example  of  courage  ?" 


Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  I  prefer  to  set  the  ex- 
ample here  :  it's  safer." 

Campbell :  "  You  look  like  the  statue 
of  some  goddess  on  her  altar — or  saint — " 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Thank  you.  If  you 
will  say  victim,  I  will  agree  with  you. 
Say  Iphigenia.  But  the  others  are  too 
much.  I  draw  the  line  at  goddesses  and 
saints." 

Campbell :  "  And  you're  afraid  of  mice, 
too  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  To  be  sure  I  am." 

Campbell:  "Well,  there  is  no  mouse 
down  here — nothing  but  a  miserable  man. 
Now,  will  you  get  down  ?" 

Mrs.  ..Somers  :  "  Mrs.  Curwen,  don't 
think  of  it !  He's  just  saying  it.  The 
mouse  is  there."  To  Campbell :  "  You 
are  placing  us  all  in  a  very  ridiculous  po- 
sition." 

Campbell :  "  I  am  sorry  for  that ;  I  am, 
indeed.  I  give  you  my  word  of  honor 
that  I  don't  believe  there's  any  mouse  in 
the  room." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Jane  just  saw  it." 

Campbell :  "  She  thought  she  saw  it, 
but  I  don't  think  she  did.  A  lion  would 


have  been  scared  out  by  this  time."  A 
--ring  at  the  door  is  heard. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  There,  Jane,  there's 
some  one  ringing  !  You  must  go  to  the 
~~-aobr." 

Jane,  throwing  her  apron  over  her  head : 
"  Oh,  please,  Mrs.  Somers,  I  can't  go ! 
I'm  so  afraid  of  mice !" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Nonsense  !  you  must 
go.  It's  perfectly  ridiculous  your  pre- 
tending not." 

Jane:  "Oh,  I  couldn't,  Mrs.  Somers! 
I  was  always  so  from  a  child.  I  can't 
bear  'em." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  This  is  disgraceful !  Do 
you  mean  to  say  that  you  won't  do  what 
I  ask  you  ?  Very  well,  then ;  you  can  go! 
You  needn't  stay  the  week  out;  I  will 
pay  you,  and  you  can  go  at  once.  Do 
you  understand  ?" 

Jane :  "  Yes,  I  do,  and  I'd  be  glad  to  go 
this  very  minute,  but  I  don't  dare  to  get 
down." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  But  why  shouldn't  you 
get  down  ?  There  isn't  the  least  danger. 
Is  there  any  danger  now,  Mr.  Camp- 
bell?" 


Campbell :  "  Not  the  least  in  the  world. 
Mouse  gone  long  ago." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  There !" 

Jane :  "  I  can't  help  it.  There  are  so 
many  in  the  dining-room — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  In  my  dining  -  room  ? 
Oh,  my  goodness !  why  didn't  you  tell  me 
before  ?" 

Jane:  "And  one  ran  right  over  my 
foot." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Your  foot  ?  Oh,  I 
wonder  that  you  live  to  tell  it!  Why 
haven't  you  put  traps  ?  Where's  the 
cat?" 

Jane :  "  The  cook's  spoiled  the  cat, 
feeding  it  so  much." 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Yes,  that's  the  worst  of 
cooks :  they  always  spoil  cats." 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  They  overfeed  them." 

Mrs.  Miller  :  "  And  then,  of  course,  the 
cats  are  worth  nothing  as  mousers.  I 
had  a  cat — "  The  bell  sounds  again. 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  There !  Some  one 
must  go." 

Campbell :  "  Why,  /'//  go  to  the  door." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "And  leave  us  here? 
Never!  How  can  you  propose  such  a 


thing?  If  you  dare  to  go,  I  shall  die. 
Don't  think  of  such  a  thing." 

Jane :  "  The  cook  will  go,  if  they  keep 
ringing.  Oh  !  ugh  !  hu,  hu  !  When  ever 
shall  I  get  out  of  this  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Stop  crying,  Jane !  Be 
calm !  You're  perfectly  safe.  You  may 
be  glad  it's  no  worse.  'Sh  !  There's  the 
cook  going  to  the  door  at  last.  Who  can 
it  be  ?  Listen !" 

Jane,  clutching  Mrs.  Somers:  "Oh! 
ugh !  Wo-o-o-o !" 

All  the  Ladies :  "  E-e-e-e  !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What's  the  matter, 
Jane  ?  Let  me  go !  Whafs  the  mat- 
ter?" 

Jane :  "  Oh,  I  thought  I  was  falling — 
right  down  in  among  it !" 

Mrs.  Agnes  Roberts,  calling  up  from 
below:  "What  in  the  world  is  it,  Amy?" 

Campbell :  "Oh,  my  prophetic  soul,  my 
sister !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  shouting*  "Is  that  you, 
Agnes  ?  Don't  come  up !  Don't  come 
up,  for  your  life!  Don  I  come  up,  unless 
you  wish  to  perish  instantly.  Oh,  it's 
dreadful,  your  coming  now.  Keep  away! 


Go  right  straight  out  of  the  house,  unless 
you  wish  to  fling  your  life  away." 

The  other  Ladies :  "Don't  come!   Don't 
come !    Keep  away !    It  will  do  no  good." 


Ill 

MRS.  ROBERTS  and  the  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Roberts,  mounting  the  stairs,  as  if 
lured  to  her  doom  by  an  irresistible  fasci- 
nation :  "  Not  come  ?  Keep  away  ?  Who's 
talking  ?  What  is  it  ?  Oh,  Amy,  what  is 
it?"  As  she  reaches  the  stair-landing 
space  before  the  drawing-room  and  looks 
in,  where  Campbell  stands  in  the  middle 
of  the  floor  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets 
and  despair  in  his  face:  "You  here,  Wil- 
lis? What  are  you  doing ?  What  is  it?" 
Her  eye  wanders  to  the  ladies  trembling 
in  their  several  refuges,  and  a  dawning 
apprehension  makes  itself  seen  in  her  face. 
"  What  is—  Oh,  it  is— it  isn't— it  isn't  a 
— mouse!  Oh,  Amy!  Amy!  Amy!  Oh, 
how  could  you  let  me  come  right  into  the 
room  with  it?  Oh,  I  never  can  forgive 


you !  I  thought  it  was  somebody  getting 
killed.  Oh,  why  didn't  you  tell  me  it  was 
a  mouse?"  She  alights  on  the  piano- 
stool,  and  keeps  it  from  rocking  by  stay- 
ing herself  with  one  hand  on  the  piano- 
top. 

Campbell :  "  Now  look  here,  Agnes — " 
Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Hush  !  Don't  speak 
to  me,  Willis !  You  unnatural,  cruel, 
heartless —  Why  didyou  let  me  come  in  ? 
I  wonder  at  you,  Willis !  If  you  had  been 
half  the  brother  you  ought  to  be —  Oh 
dear,  dear  !  I  know  how  you  will  go  away 
and  laugh  now,  and  tell  everybody.  I 
suppose  you  think  it  corroborates  that 
silly  speech  of  yours  before  the  legislative 
committee  that's  wounded  all  your  best 
friends  so,  and  that  I've  been  talking  my- 
self perfectly  dumb  defending  you  about." 
Mrs.  Roberts  unconsciously  gives  a  little 
push  for  emphasis,  and  the  stool  revolves 
with  her.  "  E-e-e-e !  Oh,  Amy,  how  can 
you  have  one  of  these  old-fashioned,  hor- 
rid, whirling  things,  fit  for  nothing  but 
boarding-house  parlors !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  just  pique :  "  I'm  very- 
sorry  you  don't  like  my  piano-stool,  Ag- 


nes.  I  keep  it  because  it  was  my  poor 
mother's ;  but  if  you'll  give  me  due  notice 
another  time,  I'll  try  to  have  a  different — " 

Mrs.  Roberts,  bursting  into  tears  :  "  Oh, 
don't  say  another  word,  Amy  dear !  I'm 
so  ashamed  of  myself  that  I  can  hardly 
breathe  now !" 

Campbell:  "And  I'm  ashamed  of  you 
too,  Agnes !  Get  down  off  that  stool,  and 
behave  yourself  like  a  sensible  woman." 
He  goes  towards  her  as  if  to  lift  her  down. 
"  The  mouse  is  gone  long  ago.  And  if  it 
was  here,  it  wouldn't  bite  you." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  repelling  him  with  one 
hand  while  she  clings  insecurely  to  the 
piano  with  the  other :  "  Bite  ?  Do  you 
suppose  I  care  for  a  mouse's  biting,  Wil- 
lis? I  wouldn't  care  for  the  bite  of  an 
elephant.  It's  the  idea.  Can't  you  un- 
derstand?" 

The  other  Ladies :  "  Oh  yes,  it's  the 
idea." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes,  I  told  him  in  the 
first  place,  Agnes,  that  it  was  the  idea  of 
a  mouse." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  It's  the  innate  repug- 
nance." 


Campbell :  "  It's  the  enmity  put  be- 
tween the  mouse  that  tempted  Eve  and 
the  woman — " 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Don't  be — sacrilegious, 
Willis  !  Don't,  for  your  own  sake !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes,  it's  very  easy  to 
make  fun  of  the  Bible." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Or  woman.  And  the 
wit  is  equally  contemptible  in  either  case." 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Other  animals  feel  about 
mice  just  as  we  do.  I  was  reading  only 
the  other  day  of  an  elephant — your  men- 
tioning an  elephant  reminded  me  of  it, 
Mrs.-" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Oh!" 

The  other  Ladies  :  "  E-e-e-e !" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  What  is  it?" 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Nothing.  I  thought  I 
was  going  to  fall.  Go  on,  Mrs.  Miller." 

Mrs.  Miller :  "Oh,  it's  merely  that  the 
elephant  was  asleep,  and  a  mouse  ran  up 
its  trunk — " 

All  the  Ladies  :  "  Horrors !" 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  And  the  poor  creature 
sprang  up  in  the  greatest  alarm,  and  bel- 
lowed till  it  woke  the  whole  menagerie. 
It  simply  shows  that  it  isn't  because 

5 


women  are  nervously  constituted  that 
they're  afraid  of  mice,  for  the  nervous  or- 
ganism of  an  elephant — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "The  first  time  I  went 
to  Europe  I  found  a  mouse  in  one  of  my 
trunks.  It  was  a  steamer  trunk,  that  you 
push  under  the  berth,  and  I've  perfectly 
loathed  them  ever  since." 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Once  in  a  farm-house 
where  we  were  staying  the  summer,  a 
mouse  ran  right  across  the  table." 

All  the  Ladies  :  "  Oh !" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  One  morning  I  found 
one  in  the  bath-tub." 

All  the  Ladies  :  "  Oh,  Mrs.  Curwen !" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  We'd  heard  it  scram- 
bling round  all  night.  It  was  stone- 
dead." 

All  the  Ladies  :  "  Hideous  !" 

Campbell :  "  Why,  bless  my  soul !  if 
the  mouse  was  dead — " 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Then  it  was  ten  times 
as  bad  as  if  it  was  alive.  Can't  you  un- 
derstand ?  It's  the  idea.  But,  oh,  don't 
let's  talk  of  it  any  more,  ladies!  Let's 
talk  of  something  else.  Agnes,  are  you 
going  to  Mrs.  Ransom's  ?" 


Mrs.  Roberts :  "  I've  been.  Nearly 
everybody's  coming  away." 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Why,  what  time  is  it, 
Mrs.  Somers  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  I  don't  know." 

Campbell,  looking  at  his  watch  :  "  It's 
ten  minutes  of  six,  and  I've  missed  my 
appointment." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  And  if  we  don't  go 
ncrv  we  shall  miss  the  reception." 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "Papa  was  very  particu- 
lar I  should  go,  because  he  couldn't." 

Mrs.  Miller  :  "  We  must  go  at  once." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh,  I'm  so  sorry !  Jane, 
go  down  with  the  ladies." 

Jane  :  "  Oh,  please,  Mrs.  Somers !" 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  But  how  are  we  to 
go  ?  We  are  imprisoned  here.  We  can- 
not get  away.  You  must  do  some- 
thing." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  It  is  your  house,  Mrs. 
Somers.  You  are  responsible." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  But  what  can  I  do  ?  I 
can't  get  down  myself.  And  if  I  did, 
what  good  would  it  do  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "For  shame,  Willis,  to 
laugh !" 


Campbell :  "  I  wasn't  laughing.  I  was 
merely  smiling  aloud." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  It's  the  same  thing. 
You  ought  to  think  of  something." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh  yes,  do,  Willis. 
Think  of  something  for  my — for  good- 
ness' sake,  and  I  will  always  thank  you. 
You're  so  ingenious." 

Campbell:  "  Well,  in  the  first  place,  I 
don't  believe  there's  any  mouse  in  the 
room." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  That  is  nonsense ;  Jane 
saw  it.  Is  that  all  your  ingenuity  amounts 
to  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  electrically  :  "  Amy,  / 
have  an  idea !" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  Agnes !  How  like 
you!" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Not  at  all.  It's  the 
simplest  thing  in  the  world.  It's  the  only 
way.  And  no  thanks  to  Willis,  either." 

All  the  Ladies:  "Well?  Well?  Well?" 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  It's  just  this :  all  make 
a  rush,  one  after  another,  and  the  rest 
scream.  And  Willis  must  keep  beating 
the  floor." 

Mrs.   Somers :    "  How  perfectly   mag- 


nificent !  Well,  Agnes,  you  have  got  your 
wits  about  you !  It  is  the  very  thing ! 
Now,  Mrs.  Curwen,  if  you  will  jump  down 
and  make  a  rush — " 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  It's  for  you  to  make 
the  rush  first,  Mrs.  Somers.  You  are  the 
hostess." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Yes,  but  I'm  not  go- 
ing, don't  you  see?  I've  sent  my  card  to 
Mrs.  Ransom." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Then,  Mrs.  Miller,  will 
you,  please — " 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Mrs.  Bemis  is  nearest 
the  door.  I  think  she  will  wish  to  start 
first." 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  No ;  I  will  wait  for  the 
rest." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  That  is  a  good  idea. 
They  ought  to  all  rush  together,  not  one 
after  another.  Don't  you  think  so,  Ag- 
nes ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Yes,  that  was  what  I 
meant.  And  we  ought  to  all  scream  just 
before  they  start,  so  as  to  scare  it." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh,  how  capital !  You 
have  got  a  brain,  Agnes !  Now  I  begin 
to  believe  we  shall  live  through  it.  And 


Mr.  Campbell  ought  to  beat  the  floor 
first,  oughtn't  he  ?" 

Campbell :  "  I  haven't  got  anything  to 
beat  it  with."  He  looks  about  the  room. 
"  But  I  can  go  down  and  get  my  cane." 

All :  "  No  !" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Jane  will  go  down  and 
get  it  for  you." 

Jane :  "  Oh,  I  couldn't,  Mrs.  Somers !" 

Campbell :  "  Perhaps  the  poker — but  it 
would  spoil  your  carpet." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No  matter  for  the  car- 
pet ;  you  can  beat  it  into — pulp."  Camp- 
bell gets  the  poker  and  beats  the  car- 
pet in  different  places.  "Harder!  Beat 
harder !" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "You're  not  beating  at 
all,  Willis.  You're  just  —  temporizing." 
Campbell  wildly  thrashes  the  carpet. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  There !  that  is  some- 
thing like.  Now  scream,  Agnes  !  Scream, 
Mrs.  Curwen!  Mrs.  Miller,  Lou,  scream, 
please !" 

All:  "E-e-e-e!" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  But  nobody  started  !" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  didn't  believe  the 
rest  would  start,  and  so  /  didn't." 


39 


Mrs.  Miller:  "I  was  sure  no  one  else 
would  start." 

Mrs.  Bemis  :  "  So  was  I." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  We  must  have  faith  in 
each  other,  or  else  the  plan's  a  failure. 
Now  all  scream  !"  They  scream. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  E-e-e-e !  Keep  beating 
the  carpet,  Willis  !  Hard,  hard,  hard !" 
The  other  ladies  all  leap  down  from  theit 
perches,  and  rush  screaming  out  of  the 
drawing-room,  followed  by  Jane,  with  a 
whoop  that  prolongs  itself  into  the 
depths  of  the  basement,  after  the  retreat- 
ing wails  and  hysterical  laughter  of  the 
ladies  have  died  out  of  the  street  door. 
"  Oh,  wasn't  it  splendid  ?  It  was  a  per- 
fect success." 


IV 

MRS.  SOMERS;  MR.  CAMPBELL 

Campbell,  leaning  on  his  poker,  and 
panting  with  exhaustion  :  "  They  got  out 
alive." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  And  it  was  all  Agnes's 
idea.  Why,  Agnes  is  gone  too !" 


Campbell:  "Yes,  Agnes  is  gone.  I 
think  it  was  a  ruse  of  hers  to  save  her 
own  life.  She's  quite  capable  of  it." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  justice  :  "  No,  I  don't 
think  that.  She  was  just  carried  away 
by  the  excitement  of  the  moment." 

Campbell :  "At  any  rate,  she's  gone. 
And  now,  Amy,  don't  you  think  you'd 
better  get  down  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  in  astonishment:  "Get 
down  ?  Why,  you  must  be  crazy.  How 
can  I  get  down  if  it's  still  there?" 

Campbell:  "What?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  The  mouse." 

Campbell :  "  But  it  isn't  there,  my  dear. 
You  saw  for  yourself  that  it  wasn't  there." 

Mrs.  Somers  : "  Did  you  see  it  run  out  ?" 

Campbell :  "  No  ;  but — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Very  well,  then,  .it's 
there  still.  Of  course  it  is.  I  wouldn't 
get  down  for  worlds." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  good  heavens  !  Do 
you  expect  to  spend  the  rest  of  your  life 
up  there  in  that  chair?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  I  don't  know.  I  shall 
not  get  down  till  I  see  that  mouse  leave 
this  room." 


Campbell,  desperately :  "  Well,  then,  I 
must  make  a  clean  breast  of  it.  There 
never  was  any  mouse  here." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  What  do  you  mean  ?" 

Campbell :  "  I  mean  that  when  we  were 
talking  —  arguing  —  about  the  physical 
courage  of  women,  I  thought  I  would  try 
a  mouse.  It's  succeeded  only  too  well. 
I'll  never  try  another." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "And  could  you  really 
be  guilty  of  such  a  cruel — " 

Campbell :  "  Yes." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Shameless — " 

Campbell :  "  I  was." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Despicable  deception  ?" 

Campbell :  "  It  was  vile,  I  know,  but  I 
did  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  don't  believe  it.  No, 
rather  than  believe  that  of  you,  Willis,  I 
would  believe  there  were  a  million  mice 
in  the  room." 

Campbell :  "  Amy,  indeed — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No ;  if  you  could  de- 
ceive me  then,  you  can  deceive  me  now. 
If  you  could  say  there  was  a  mouse  in 
the  room  when  there  wasn't,  you  are 
quite  capable  of  saying  there  isn't  when 

6 


there  is.  You  are  just  saying  it  now  to 
get  me  to  get  down." 

Campbell:  " Upon  my  honor,  I'm  not." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh,  don't  talk  to  me  of 
honor !  The  honor  of  a  man  who  could 
revel — yes,  revel—  in  the  terrors  of  help- 
less women — " 

Campbell :  "  No,  no  ;  I'd  no  idea  of  it, 
Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  will  please  not  ad- 
dress me  in  that  way,  Mr.  Campbell.  You 
have  forfeited  all  right  to  do  so." 

Campbell:  "I  know  it.  What  I  did 
was  very  foolish  and  thoughtless." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It  was  very  low  and 
ungentlemanly.  I  suppose  you  will  go 
away  and  laugh  over  it  with  your— 'asso- 
ciates." 

Campbell :  "  Why  not  say  my  ruffianly 
accomplices  at  once,  Amy  ?  No,  I  assure 
you  that  unless  you  tell  of  the  affair,  no- 
body shall  ever  hear  of  it  from  me.  It's 
too  disastrous  a  victory.  I'm  hoist  by 
my  own  petard,  caught  in  my  own  mouse- 
trap. There  is  such  a  thing  as  succeed- 
ing too  well." 

Mrs.  Somers :    "  I   should   think    you 


"'THEKE  NEVER  WAS  ANY  MOUSE  HERE'" 


would  be  ashamed  of  it.  Suppose  you 
have  shown  that  women  are  nervous  and 
excitable,  does  that  prove  anything  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Nothing  in  the  world." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Very  likely  some  of  us 
will  be  sick  from  it.  I  dare  say  you  think 
that  would  be  another  triumphant  argu- 
ment." 

Campbell :  "  I  shouldn't  exult  in  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  don't  know  when  I 
shall  ever  get  over  it  myself.  I  have  had 
a  dreadful  shock." 

Campbell :  "I'm  sorry  with  all  my 
heart — I  am,  indeed.  I  had  no  concep- 
tion that  you  cared  so  much  for  mice — 
despised  them  so  much." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh  yes,  laugh,  do !  It's 
quite  in  character.  But  if  you  have  such 
a  contempt  for  women,  of  course  you 
wouldn't  want  to  marry  one." 

Campbell:  "Yes,  I  should,  my  dear. 
But  only  one." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Very  well,  then !  You 
can  find  some  other  one.  All  is  over  be- 
tween us.  Yes !  I  will  send  you  back 
the  precious  gifts  you  have  lavished  upon 
me,  and  I  will  thank  you  for  mine.  A 


man  who  can  turn  the  sex  that  his  moth- 
er and  sister  belong  to  into  ridicule  can 
have  no  real  love  for  his  wife.  I  am  glad 
that  I  found  you  out  in  time." 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  really  mean  it, 
Amy?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes,  I  mean  it.  And  I 
hope  it  will  be  a  lesson  to  you.  If  you 
find  any  other  poor,  silly,  trusting  creat- 
ure that  you  can  impose  yourself  upon 
for  a  gentleman  as  you  have  upon  me,  I 
advise  you  to  reserve  your  low,  vulgar, 
boyish  tricks  till  after  she  is  helplessly 
yours,  or  she  may  tear  your  hateful  ring 
from  her  finger  and  fling  it — "  She  at- 
tempts to  pull  a  ring  from  her  finger,  but 
it  will  not  come  off.  "  Never  mind !  I 
will  get  it  off  with  a  little  soapsuds  ;  and 
then—" 

Campbell :  "  Oh  no,  my  dear !  Come, 
I  can  allow  for  your  excitement,  but  I 
can't  stand  everything,  though  I  admit 
everything.  When  a  man  has  said  he's 
played  a  silly  part  he  doesn't  like  to  be 
told  so,  and  as  for  imposing  myself  upon 
you  for  a  gentleman — you  must  take  that 
back,  Amy." 


Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  do.  I  take  it  back. 
There  hasn't  been  any  imposture.  I  knew 
you  were  not  a  gentleman." 

Campbell :  "  Very  good !  Then  I'm  not 
fit  for  a  lady's  company,  and  I  don't  deny, 
though  you're  so  hard  upon  me,  that 
you're  a  lady,  Amy.  Good-bye."  He 
bows  and  walks  out  of  the  room. 

Mrs.  Somers,  sending  her  voice  after 
him  in  a  wail  of  despair  :  "  Willis  !" 

Campbell,  coming  back :  "  Well  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  can't  let  you  go." 
He  runs  towards  her,  but  she  shrinks 
back  on  her  chair  against  the  wall.  "  No, 
no!" 

Campbell,  hesitating:  "Why  did  you 
call  me  back,  then  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "I  —  I  didn't  call  you 
back  ;  I  just  said — Willis." 

Campbell :  "  This  is  unworthy — even  of 
you" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh !" 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  admit  that  you 
have  been  too  severe  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  I  don't  know.  What 
did  I  say  ?" 

Campbell :    "A    number  of    pleasant 


things ;  that  I  was  a  fraud,  and  no  gen- 
tleman." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Did  I  say  that  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  you  did." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  must  have  been  very 
much  incensed  against  you.  I  beg  your 
pardon  for — being  so  angry." 

Campbell :  "  That  won't  do.  I  don't 
care  how  angry  you  are  if  you  don't  call 
me  names.  You  must  take  them  back." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Do  you  see  my  hand- 
kerchief anywhere  about  on  the  carpet  ?" 

Campbell,  looking  about,  and  then  find- 
ing it :  "  Yes ;  here  it  is."  He  hands  it 
to  her,  and  she  bends  forward  and  takes 
it  from  him  at  arm's-length,  whipping  it 
nervously  out  of  his  hand.  "  What's  the 
matter  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh,  nothing — nothing ! 
Will  you  please  give  me  my  fan  from  the 
table  there  ?"  He  obeys,  and  she  catches 
it  from  him  as  she  has  caught  the  hand- 
kerchief. "  Thank  you  !  Keep  away, 
please !" 

Campbell,  angrily :  "  Really  this  is  too 
much.  If  you  are  afraid  of  touching 
me—" 


Mrs.  Somers :  "  No,  I  don't  mind  touch- 
ing you ;  that  isn't  it.  But  if  you  stood 
1  so  near,  don't  you  see,  it  might  run  up 
you,  and  jump  on  to  me." 

Campbell :  "  What  might  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  know.  The 
mouse." 

Campbell :  "  The  mouse !  There  is  no 
mouse." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  That's  what  you  said 
before." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  it's  true.  There  isn't 
any  mouse,  and  there  never  was." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  There's  the  idea.  And 
that's  all  I  ever  cared  for." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  what  are  you  going 
to  do  ?  I  can't  kill  the  idea  of  a  mouse, 
and  I  can't  drive  it  out  of  the  room." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  I  don't  know  what  I'm 
going  to  do.  I  suppose  I  shall  die  here." 
She  presses  her  handkerchief  to  her  eyes. 
"  I  shall  never  get  out  of  the  room  alive. 
Then  I  hope  you  will  be  satisfied." 

Campbell :  "  Amy,  how  can  you  say  such 
things  to  me  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Oh,  I  suppose  you're 
fond  of  me,  in  your  contemptuous  way. 


I  never  denied  that.  And  I'm  sorry,  I'm 
sure,  if  I  wounded  your  feelings  by  any- 
thing I  said." 

Campbell :  "  Then  you  admit  that  I  am 
a  gentleman  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  didn't  say  that." 

Campbell :  "  And  I  can't  be  satisfied 
with  less.  I'll  own  that  I've  been  stupid, 
but  I  haven't  been  ungentlemanly.  I 
can't  remain  unless  you  do." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  And  do  you  think 
threatening  me  is  gentlemanly  ?" 

Campbell :  "  That  isn't  the  question. 
Do  you  think  I'm  a  gentleman  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You're  what  the  world 
calls  a  gentleman — yes." 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  think  I'm  one  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  How  can  I  tell  ?  I  can't 
think  at  all,  perched  up  here." 

Campbell :  "  Why  don't  you  get  down, 
then  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  know  very  well 
why." 

Campbell :  "  But  you'll  have  to  get 
down  some  time.  You  can't  stay  there 
always." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Why  should  you  care  ?" 


Campbell :  "  You  know  I  do  care.  You 
know  that  I  love  you  dearly,  and  that  I 
can't  bear  to  see  you  in  distress.  Shall  I 
beat  the  carpet,  and  you  scream  and  make 
a  rush  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "No;  I  haven't  the 
strength  for  that.  I  should  drop  in  a 
faint  as  soon  as  I  touched  the  floor." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  good  heavens !  What 
am  I  going  to  do,  then  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  don't  know.  You  got 
me  into  the  trouble.  I  should  think  you 
could  get  me  out  of  it." 

Campbell,  after  walking  distractedly  up 
and  down  the  room :  "  There's  only  one 
way  that  I  can  think  of,  and  if  we're  not 
engaged  any  longer,  it  wouldn't  do." 

Mrs.  Somers,  yielding  to  her  curiosity, 
after  a  moment's  hesitation :  "  What  is 
it?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  unless  we're  still  en- 
gaged, it's  no  use  proposing  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Can't  you  tell  me  with- 
out ?" 

Campbell :  "  Impossible." 

Mrs.  Somers,  looking  down  at  her  fan : 
"  Well,  suppose  we  are  still  engaged, 

7 


then?"  Looking  up:  "Yes,  say  we  are 
engaged." 

Campbell :  "  It's  to  carry  you  out." 

Mrs.  Somers,  recoiling  a  little:  "Oh! 
do  you  think  that  would  be  very  nice  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  I  think  it  would.  We 
can  both  scream,  you  know." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Yes  ?" 

Campbell :  "  And  then  you  fling  your- 
self into  my  arms." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes  ?" 

Campbell :  "  And  I  rush  out  of  the 
room  with  you." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  a  deep  breath :  "  I 
would  never  do  it  in  the  world." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  then,  you  must  stay 
where  you  are." 

Mrs.  Somers,  closing  her  fan  :  "  You're 
not  strong  enough."  She  puts  her  hand- 
kerchief into  her  pocket.  "You  would 
be  sure  to  fall."  She  gathers  her  train  in 
one  hand.  "Well,  then,  look  the  other 
way !"  Campbell  turns  his  face  aside  and 
waits.  "  No,  I  can't  do  it." 

Campbell,  retiring  wrathfully  to  the 
other  side  of  the  room  :  "  What  shall  we 
do,  then?" 


Mrs.  Somers,  after  reflection :  "  I  don't 
know  what  we  shall  do.  But  if  I  were  a 
man — " 

Campbell :  "  Well,  if  you  were  a  man — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Don't  you  think  Mrs. 
Curwen  is  fascinating  ?" 

Campbell :  "She  does." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  must  admit  she's 
clever  ?  And  awfully  stylish  ?" 

Campbell :  "  I  don't  admit  anything  of 
the  kind.  She's  always  posing.  I  think 
she  made  herself  ridiculous  standing  there 
on  the  table." 

Mrs.  Somers,  fondly:  "Oh,  do  you 
think  so  ?  You  are  very  severe." 

Campbell :  "  Come,  now,  Amy,  what  has 
all  this  got  to  do  with  it  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nothing.  But  if  I  were 
a  man — " 

Campbell:  "Well?'" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Well,  in  the  first  place, 
I  wouldn't  have  got  you  wrought  up  so." 

Campbell :  "Well,  but  if  you  had !  Sup- 
pose you  had  done  all  that  I've  done,  and 
that  I  was  up  there  in  your  place  stand- 
ing on  a  chair,  and  wouldn't  let  you  leave 
the  room,  and  wouldn't  get  down  and 


walk  out,  and  wouldn't  allow  myself  to  be 
carried,  what  should  you  do  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  who  has  been  regarding 
him  attentively  over  the  top  of  her  fan, 
which  she  holds  pressed  against  her  face : 
"  Why,  I  suppose  if  you  wouldn't  let  me 
help  you  willingly — I  should  use  violence." 

Campbell :  "  You  witch !"  As  he  makes 
a  wild  rush  upon  her,  the  curtain,  which 
in  the  plays  of  this  author  has  a  strict 
regard  for  the  convenances,  abruptly  de- 
scends. 


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